One month later...

I've decided that though I'm not a little monster, I do particularly like Lady Gaga's track, Edge of Glory. There's an anthem feel to it that appeals to me, and being on the edge of glory is about expectation and creating an exciting, brilliant future.

I feel a bit betrayed by Greg (FI). But when it comes to matters of the heart, the heart will go where it wants to go. He blind sided me with an interest he now appears to have in someone else. And where he told me 'no' to traveling to see him over a weekend, he let this other guy go visit him. It kinda hurts and I'm not sure of where I stand with Greg. I like him a lot and I at least want to remain friends with him. But I'll stay open to possibility and just deal with the hurt for now. Good communication and how I show up in the relationship matters too, of course.

I'm missing Jeff.  He's been gone back home for the summer for almost three weeks now. But, since he is 22 years young and has issues with himself that he is still dealing with, and since he is still in school and is still unsure of his direction in life, our relationship is destined, I believe, to be headed more toward an intermediate level friendship than anything else. I will create love and light and friendship as much as I can towards Jeff. And the rest will be up to him. But the bigger question is, if he offered it, would I be open and willing to go the distance in making the relationship more than friendship?

Have you ever had a decision to make and a course of action to take that your heart tells you will be for the best and yet your brain, your wonderful, powerful mind--whether conscious or sub-conscious--keeps hitting you with negative talk about your ability to take that course of action? I'm facing that situation right now as I am on the precipice of moving forward with selling Mortgage Protection and End of Life Insurance part time.

I've never done anything like this before and although I have no doubt I am capable of pulling it off, still, my mind keeps hitting me with self doubt. I will definitely get to use my Impact Training tools to be able to move forward and execute.

One thing I get to do is to continue listening to my heart and stay open to possibility and to be open to the assistance of God and the Universe. And when my mind injects negative self talk into my consciousness, I get to say to my mind, 'Thank you for your contribution, now sit down and shut up!'  :-)

I saw a lightning display from a summer thunderstorm on the east side of Utah County around Mt Timpanogas that was probably the most intense and spectacular lightning display I have seen since I left Florida! And I must say Mother Nature's fireworks are much more brilliant and spectacular than anything humanity has yet to achieve.

I get to remember to pace myself and not let too much of other guys' shit and drama get to me or drag me down or drain too much energy from me.  I get to surround myself with positive, upbeat, emotionally stable people and do what I can when I can to assist others without being taken advantage of or pushing my limits.

Until next time, peace, love and light...

Intimacy

Intimacy is a word that has been on my mind quite a bit this weekend. So has sex. This is Pride weekend in Utah and I got to see a lot of friends both old and new--as well as a lot of acquaintances. 

I spent Saturday night with a guy in my bed with whom I never imagined I would have had the chance to do that with.  He is a masculine, smart, good looking and hella sexy guy. His name is Dave. He and I didn't have sex, but, we did cuddle. And that's all that mattered. It was wonderful to just talk with him and to get to know him better, to sleep next to him, and just to cuddle. I loved it. It was my privilege. I was honored when he told me he felt safe with me. And it made me miss having someone in my life to share my life with. I realized I am missing intimacy.

Sex is good and great and wonderful and I LOVE having sex with guys, but, what I LOVE even more is intimacy with a guy. Intimacy is the cake and sex is the icing on top. The icing is very sweet and tastes really good, but, without the cake to go with it, it ultimately is not very filling.

I missed Jeff this weekend. I want both sex and intimacy with him. Or with someone like him. I want to continue to get to know him better. There is so much I like about him. Jeff is smart and masculine and athletic, good looking and sexy, sweet and kind--and passionate.

He's just not in a space for a long-term relationship, but, that's ok. I will be grateful for whatever time he grants me. It will be my privilege to love him unconditionally. I'm learning more and more just exactly what that means--to love unconditionally in all its forms and manifestations--with no obligations or expectations or strings attached. Unconditional love, among other things, is completely unselfish.

I'm at a point where I'm backing away from my emotional investment in Jack. It's better for my own sanity that I do so. It's been a week ago that the text messages came to me late at around 1:00 AM from Jack telling me he was going to end it. Despite my best efforts to call and text him, he did try to end it. Jumped off of an ATV in the middle of the night going about 40 miles per hour. If his roommate Aaron had not found him lying in a ditch along the side of the road, Jack's suicide effort would have succeeded. 

After two days of worry and being sick to my stomach not knowing what had happened, Jack finally called me. Words cannot express the relief I felt at his phone call. I'm glad he's still alive. He survived with a wound to his head, a broken thumb, a bruised rib, and being a bit banged up. Jack moved yet again from Price to Park City on Sunday to live for the moment with someone named Adrian.

Jack's attitude toward me has changed now though. And I'm tired of the way he is treating me. It's not working for me anymore. So, I'll continue to say hi to Jack via text and I will respond to him if he decides to text me, but, I'm done putting too much more into my relationship with him until he decides to show up in a different, more loving way in his relationship with me.

Well, that's all for now. I deserve to get some sleep.

Until next time--peace, love and light...

Heart and mind

Yeah, so, ok, this is no longer a daily blog. Deal with it.

The human heart is a wonderful gift full of beauty, mischief and unpredictability. It's an uncontrollable, even potentially dangerous entity. It feels what it wants when it wants. If my heart is truly open, then I am capable of experiencing the highest of highs and moments of pure joy, and the lowest of lows—of loneliness, sadness, jealousy, despair, etc. All in the same day.

The human brain--now there is a powerful machine. Capable of unlimited imagination and creativity, or of wanton destruction.

Life is about learning how to shepherd the heart and discipline the mind.

Oh, I have to say Happy Osama bin Gotten!!!!

No, I don't view getting bin Laden as revenge, nor about hatred, nor about cowboy justice. It's about a war—yet another, and in this case gargantuan, clash between good and evil. When you boil it all down, I fervently believe that in this case, the cliché rings true.

My house came within a day of going on the auction block. At the last minute, I did what I had to do and was fortunate enough to have the resources to pull it off.

I've let Jack pretty much go, although it's always possible that Jack will decide to hang out with me again.  And I will let him.  In the meantime, I'm not going to turn blue worrying about it.

And now there is Jeff. Well, there's not really Jeff. But I like him. And besides, Jeff is young. Too young. And he hates himself. He has a lot to learn—a lot of maturing to do. And so does Trevor. But Trevor is only a friend and nothing more. But I'll be damned if my heart is not opening itself up in this strange, scary way to Jeff. I dunno. I get to be very careful here.

Sometimes I think I deserve to put a shingle out on my doorstep and start charging a fee for all the consulting / listening hours I'm putting in lately—dealing with everyone else's shit. I'm too good a listener with too big a heart perhaps.

Sadness.

Remember my mentioning my friend Jack?  The recent hero who saved the 19 month old baby from a burning house?  Well, Jack’s roommate and good friend James just commited suicide.

He died this morning.

What do you say to that? Jack reached out to me but I found myself wanting for words. No number of trite words or phrases can assuage the grief or lessen the loss.  I told Jack that I am sending him my love, my light, my thoughts and my prayers—and I let him know that he is not alone and that he need only let me know and I will be there for him in any way I can.  That's what I can do.

It’s strange. I did not know James, but, as I sit here listening to some comforting music, I find tears streaming down my face. Not just for James, but for Jack. He has suffered so much in his life and this is just one more blow. One more challenge.

I pray that Jack will find some measure of peace and comfort, that something inspiring and empowering will come of this. There is so much pain and suffering in this world.

I send my love and light out to God and to the Universe tonight in the hope that just a little bit may fall back upon Jack and anyone elso who can use it.

till next time, peace, love and light...

Rain against my window

I can hear the rain against my window right now.  Isn't there a Tina Turner song about that?  lol..and I know Madonna has a song, Rain.  Well, and I suppose there are a thousand other songs about the rain.  I'm tired of the rain--and the cold.  Forget what the calendar says, I'm ready for Spring to arrive...and Summer.

I may have found a new roommate.  He's coming next Wednesday to see the room.  His friend saw that I was looking for a roommate. Having a new roommate move in can be like playing Russian Roulette--you just never know what you're really gonna get.  The new possible roommate's name is Dan. He's gay of course. Easier having a gay roommate, I think. Less awkwardness that way. The downside is the possibility of more drama.  lol--is that a stereotype?  I dunno.

I'm sad Mikey is leaving to go move in with his boyfriend. I mean, I'm happy for him but I will miss him. He's pretty much moved out.  He just comes back to gather more things to take.

I chatted today with a guy on connexion--well, he said hi to me first, which is a stunner.  He's an incredibly handsome 28 year old with blond hair and blue eyes.  He's 5 ft 11 and 165 lbs--perfect size for me since I have very similar stats. And he's an attorney too so he's smart.

Wow. I can't believe he said hi to me. We know a couple of mutual friends and just before he signed off, he tells me we should hang out--be still my heart..lol.  But, I'm not sure if he meant to hang out with him AND our two mutual friends or just for he and I alone to hang out together.  Wow.  Either way, I'd be honored to just be his friend and to get to know him better.  From our chat he seems like such a level-headed, intelligent, normal guy. So, we'll see.

I get to call my cousin Kevin tomorrow about whether he wants to hire me part time so I can have extra money so I can stretch my resources to stay in my house a while longer.  I really like my house and I don't want to have to give it up. I deserve to make every effort to make sure that doesn't happen. I get to figure out a way to motivate myself to move more quickly with my two business ventures.  Sometimes I think that if I had a boyfriend it might be easier to find inspiration and motivation. But I get to work out a way to find it within.

The sound of the rain is making me grow tired now.  My eyelids are heavier.  Sometimes I do miss the heavy steady rains of my childhood growing up in Florida.  We're having one of those rare rains here in northern Utah tonight. It's kind of nice actually.  But I still want the sun and the warmth to take over.  Ha!

till next time, peace, love and light...

Easter Sunday

I don't want this blog to become a chore. So, it has to remain a stream of consciousness kind of affair where I don't put much thought or preparation time into it. Today I was thinking about how everyone always says Happy Easter and what that really means. Sometimes I feel as though my relationship with God and with my Savior is non-existent.  Of course, that's all my doing.  I know that. I do pray but it's sporadic and not very engaging. What do I expect?

I'm so stubborn. I resist admitting that I can't do it alone. I never have been able to do it alone and I never will be able to do it alone. 'It' referring to realizing my goals, living life successfully and pursuing happiness, and, ultimately to redemption from my short comings. But I know I am a powerful creator and I'm accountable for my actions.  I am not a victim.

Today I sat at the table in my parent's dining room after a nice Easter dinner staring at an article and accompanying picture in the paper about a guy--Jack--whom I had met and hung out with once. They pulled the paper out to show me the article and his picture because it was a recent example of a feel good story.  Jack is a hero of sorts as he recently saved a 19 month old child from a burning house with little thought for his own safety. Little did my parents know that I had made out with Jack and done other things with Jack.

Neither of my parents know I'm gay.  A few straight friends and some family know. I'm out to some people, but not to all and particularly not to my parents.  That subject will be for another day.  Anyway, the point is that for me it was all very surreal. For my parents, Jack is just some random guy who saved a baby from dying.  And there we were talking about his bravery. For me, Jack is someone much more.

My date with BJ went better than the first one did. I think that's because he was more open and conversational this time. We went and saw Scream 4 cuz he likes horror/slasher films. It was actually funnier and better than I expected. I think BJ and I will continue to get to know each other.

I deserve to finish my reply to Justan and post it on his Facebook status. He had posted a link to a video entitled, 'Your religion is a fairy tale--Wake Up.' I'm working my way through the video to point out the illogic of most of what is presented in the vid.  What fun, eh?  Maybe I'll share some or all of my post here once I finish it.

Ok. Tomorrow, now that I finally have the funds available, I get to go to the bank, get a cashier's check and mail it off to get my home loan reinstated and avoid having my house go to auction next week. Now, THAT's fun.  Right?

Till next time--peace, love, and light.

One of those days...

Yeah, so it's one of those days where I'm tired and I'm just not in the mood to blog.  But I said I'd do this every day I had internet access even if it were only a couple of sentences per entry. I'm listening on my headphones to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, 'Jesu! The Very Thought Is Sweet,' as arranged by Mack Wilberg. What a sublime setting and musical performance. It is truly a calming, peaceful, inspiring, beautiful piece.

ok, and here's the money shot :-)

Till next time, love and light...