I spent Saturday night with a guy in my bed with whom I never imagined I would have had the chance to do that with. He is a masculine, smart, good looking and hella sexy guy. His name is Dave. He and I didn't have sex, but, we did cuddle. And that's all that mattered. It was wonderful to just talk with him and to get to know him better, to sleep next to him, and just to cuddle. I loved it. It was my privilege. I was honored when he told me he felt safe with me. And it made me miss having someone in my life to share my life with. I realized I am missing intimacy.
Sex is good and great and wonderful and I LOVE having sex with guys, but, what I LOVE even more is intimacy with a guy. Intimacy is the cake and sex is the icing on top. The icing is very sweet and tastes really good, but, without the cake to go with it, it ultimately is not very filling.
I missed Jeff this weekend. I want both sex and intimacy with him. Or with someone like him. I want to continue to get to know him better. There is so much I like about him. Jeff is smart and masculine and athletic, good looking and sexy, sweet and kind--and passionate.
He's just not in a space for a long-term relationship, but, that's ok. I will be grateful for whatever time he grants me. It will be my privilege to love him unconditionally. I'm learning more and more just exactly what that means--to love unconditionally in all its forms and manifestations--with no obligations or expectations or strings attached. Unconditional love, among other things, is completely unselfish.
I'm at a point where I'm backing away from my emotional investment in Jack. It's better for my own sanity that I do so. It's been a week ago that the text messages came to me late at around 1:00 AM from Jack telling me he was going to end it. Despite my best efforts to call and text him, he did try to end it. Jumped off of an ATV in the middle of the night going about 40 miles per hour. If his roommate Aaron had not found him lying in a ditch along the side of the road, Jack's suicide effort would have succeeded.
After two days of worry and being sick to my stomach not knowing what had happened, Jack finally called me. Words cannot express the relief I felt at his phone call. I'm glad he's still alive. He survived with a wound to his head, a broken thumb, a bruised rib, and being a bit banged up. Jack moved yet again from Price to Park City on Sunday to live for the moment with someone named Adrian.
Jack's attitude toward me has changed now though. And I'm tired of the way he is treating me. It's not working for me anymore. So, I'll continue to say hi to Jack via text and I will respond to him if he decides to text me, but, I'm done putting too much more into my relationship with him until he decides to show up in a different, more loving way in his relationship with me.
Well, that's all for now. I deserve to get some sleep.
Until next time--peace, love and light...
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