Sadness.

Remember my mentioning my friend Jack?  The recent hero who saved the 19 month old baby from a burning house?  Well, Jack’s roommate and good friend James just commited suicide.

He died this morning.

What do you say to that? Jack reached out to me but I found myself wanting for words. No number of trite words or phrases can assuage the grief or lessen the loss.  I told Jack that I am sending him my love, my light, my thoughts and my prayers—and I let him know that he is not alone and that he need only let me know and I will be there for him in any way I can.  That's what I can do.

It’s strange. I did not know James, but, as I sit here listening to some comforting music, I find tears streaming down my face. Not just for James, but for Jack. He has suffered so much in his life and this is just one more blow. One more challenge.

I pray that Jack will find some measure of peace and comfort, that something inspiring and empowering will come of this. There is so much pain and suffering in this world.

I send my love and light out to God and to the Universe tonight in the hope that just a little bit may fall back upon Jack and anyone elso who can use it.

till next time, peace, love and light...

Rain against my window

I can hear the rain against my window right now.  Isn't there a Tina Turner song about that?  lol..and I know Madonna has a song, Rain.  Well, and I suppose there are a thousand other songs about the rain.  I'm tired of the rain--and the cold.  Forget what the calendar says, I'm ready for Spring to arrive...and Summer.

I may have found a new roommate.  He's coming next Wednesday to see the room.  His friend saw that I was looking for a roommate. Having a new roommate move in can be like playing Russian Roulette--you just never know what you're really gonna get.  The new possible roommate's name is Dan. He's gay of course. Easier having a gay roommate, I think. Less awkwardness that way. The downside is the possibility of more drama.  lol--is that a stereotype?  I dunno.

I'm sad Mikey is leaving to go move in with his boyfriend. I mean, I'm happy for him but I will miss him. He's pretty much moved out.  He just comes back to gather more things to take.

I chatted today with a guy on connexion--well, he said hi to me first, which is a stunner.  He's an incredibly handsome 28 year old with blond hair and blue eyes.  He's 5 ft 11 and 165 lbs--perfect size for me since I have very similar stats. And he's an attorney too so he's smart.

Wow. I can't believe he said hi to me. We know a couple of mutual friends and just before he signed off, he tells me we should hang out--be still my heart..lol.  But, I'm not sure if he meant to hang out with him AND our two mutual friends or just for he and I alone to hang out together.  Wow.  Either way, I'd be honored to just be his friend and to get to know him better.  From our chat he seems like such a level-headed, intelligent, normal guy. So, we'll see.

I get to call my cousin Kevin tomorrow about whether he wants to hire me part time so I can have extra money so I can stretch my resources to stay in my house a while longer.  I really like my house and I don't want to have to give it up. I deserve to make every effort to make sure that doesn't happen. I get to figure out a way to motivate myself to move more quickly with my two business ventures.  Sometimes I think that if I had a boyfriend it might be easier to find inspiration and motivation. But I get to work out a way to find it within.

The sound of the rain is making me grow tired now.  My eyelids are heavier.  Sometimes I do miss the heavy steady rains of my childhood growing up in Florida.  We're having one of those rare rains here in northern Utah tonight. It's kind of nice actually.  But I still want the sun and the warmth to take over.  Ha!

till next time, peace, love and light...

Easter Sunday

I don't want this blog to become a chore. So, it has to remain a stream of consciousness kind of affair where I don't put much thought or preparation time into it. Today I was thinking about how everyone always says Happy Easter and what that really means. Sometimes I feel as though my relationship with God and with my Savior is non-existent.  Of course, that's all my doing.  I know that. I do pray but it's sporadic and not very engaging. What do I expect?

I'm so stubborn. I resist admitting that I can't do it alone. I never have been able to do it alone and I never will be able to do it alone. 'It' referring to realizing my goals, living life successfully and pursuing happiness, and, ultimately to redemption from my short comings. But I know I am a powerful creator and I'm accountable for my actions.  I am not a victim.

Today I sat at the table in my parent's dining room after a nice Easter dinner staring at an article and accompanying picture in the paper about a guy--Jack--whom I had met and hung out with once. They pulled the paper out to show me the article and his picture because it was a recent example of a feel good story.  Jack is a hero of sorts as he recently saved a 19 month old child from a burning house with little thought for his own safety. Little did my parents know that I had made out with Jack and done other things with Jack.

Neither of my parents know I'm gay.  A few straight friends and some family know. I'm out to some people, but not to all and particularly not to my parents.  That subject will be for another day.  Anyway, the point is that for me it was all very surreal. For my parents, Jack is just some random guy who saved a baby from dying.  And there we were talking about his bravery. For me, Jack is someone much more.

My date with BJ went better than the first one did. I think that's because he was more open and conversational this time. We went and saw Scream 4 cuz he likes horror/slasher films. It was actually funnier and better than I expected. I think BJ and I will continue to get to know each other.

I deserve to finish my reply to Justan and post it on his Facebook status. He had posted a link to a video entitled, 'Your religion is a fairy tale--Wake Up.' I'm working my way through the video to point out the illogic of most of what is presented in the vid.  What fun, eh?  Maybe I'll share some or all of my post here once I finish it.

Ok. Tomorrow, now that I finally have the funds available, I get to go to the bank, get a cashier's check and mail it off to get my home loan reinstated and avoid having my house go to auction next week. Now, THAT's fun.  Right?

Till next time--peace, love, and light.

One of those days...

Yeah, so it's one of those days where I'm tired and I'm just not in the mood to blog.  But I said I'd do this every day I had internet access even if it were only a couple of sentences per entry. I'm listening on my headphones to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing, 'Jesu! The Very Thought Is Sweet,' as arranged by Mack Wilberg. What a sublime setting and musical performance. It is truly a calming, peaceful, inspiring, beautiful piece.

ok, and here's the money shot :-)

Till next time, love and light...

Truth and logic, Science and Religion...

Today, a friend on facebook posed the following question: “There are at least 38,000 denominations of Christianity. You say yours is true. Why? Explain.”

Instead of taking the bait and indulging directly his question—as I doubt he was really interested in or would have the patience for any kind of a serious attempt at a response—I replied instead with the following missve of my own creation:

Truth is all there is, ever was, or ever will be—regardless of our beliefs and perceptions. Furthermore, logic and reason are artifacts of the human mind--truth is independent of these.

Well, we'll see if he or anyone else takes the bait on that one :-)

I then had the following exchange with a friend of my friend about the missive I posted:
===== =====
Mykey Thatcher [Physics teacher at the U of Utah]: That last statement is the root of illogical superstition and the basis of every poor philosophy. Let's dispel it.

Logic is the most natural thing there is, and is not an artifact of the human mind. That's why there's a point to science.

If... logic and reason were an artifact of the human mind, then logically the world couldn't have existed before the human mind. There were logical steps that led even to us. No human mind would mean no logic, which means stars don't necessarily follow hydrogen clouds and million other logical steps.

If logic and reason have no basis in reality, then there is no such thing as logic and reason. And if truth is independent of logic and reason, then it's no different from fantasy. This is why I 'refudiate' :) the idea above anytime I see it. It's the basis of religious belief.

My Reply:  Mykey, thanks for your reply. So, recognizing that I am not the brightest bulb on the block, let me see if I get what you are saying. Are you claiming that logic is not a human convention? It sounds to me as if you are arguing that logic is the same as truth--that logic is the same as what is, what has been, and what will be.

Although I agree logic and reason are useful for discerning and determining what is true, for me, logic is merely a structural, hierarchical method of inference the human mind has developed to make sense of the world it perceives to be real.

I believe there are many things that may be logical, or that appear to be logical, but which are not necessarily true. For human logic or reasoning to always be true, all premises on which that logic is based must always be known to be true--and this is simply not the case and can never be the case unless you are omniscient.
So, I suppose that if you are God, or a god, or god-like, with respect to being omniscient, then in that case logic is indeed the same as truth and one is not distinguishable from the other.

The scientific method is what it claims to be--a methodology for falsifying a hypothesis or for providing possible evidence of truth. But the great flaw of the scientific method is that it is ultimately still dependent on a degree human subjectivity and fallibility in terms of perception and logic--both within the process of concocting a hypothesis and in the deriving of conclusions based on observed results.

As a final note, I believe that true religion and true science will never conflict or contradict because they are one in the same. Truth is truth. All truth is absolute within the realm in which it is operable and applicable, and, is also relative to all other truths.”
=== ===
Whew! And now it's late and I get to go to sleep now and I'll get to relate about my date with BJ perhaps tomorrow :-)

Sleep...

Once again I find myself sitting here in front of my computer late at night with my headphones on listening to the BYU Singer's performance of Eric Whitacre's majestic and moving work, Sleep. I'm so savoring this stunning sound--it's so dreamlike and magical. I know I listen to it repeatedly, along with other Whitacre music performed by the BYU Singers, as an avenue of escape from the stressful circumstances in which I still find myself.

And one more time, it will most likely be 2:00AM before I get to bed.  My preference is to be in bed on school nights (Sun-Thurs) by midnight at the latest, but, alas, the night owl in me seems to always carry the day, er, the night, that is.  Also, not going to bed earlier is yet another coping/avoidance mechanism.  It's part of a cycle of procrastination in addressing and doing something about the challenges I'm facing.

So I texted Jack today.  Yeah, I said I'd let Jack go and not worry about him anymore.  It was dumb of me, but then, the heart rarely pays any attention to what the brain is telling it.  I told Jack I missed him yesterday since we were supposed to hang out and I didn't hear from him. He texted me back, for a wonder, and said he was sorry but he's been busy with work and school and all. And my thoughts are, aren't we all busy?  K, now I'm done with texting him.  Seriously.  Unless he texts me again, of course  :-)

Tomorrow is my date with BJ--er, later today since I'm posting after midnight again. He hasn't been extremely communicative with me. It's kinda strange. It's as though he's waiting on me to always take charge and take the lead in everything. Same thing in conversation. Not sure how I feel about that. I definitely prefer a 50-50 relationship. We'll see how it goes.

Ok, I was gonna write more, but now it's 2:00 AM and so I get to go to bed now.  At least I have clean sheets tonight after doing some laundry today.   :-)

Till next time, Love and light...

Wading into the deep...

Here it is. My first post and my initial steps into the water to get my feet wet at blogging. We'll see how long it lasts. I have no idea what the content will be as each post will be unplanned and basically will consist of whatever is going through my mind at the time I sit down to write it.

My intention is to post at least a few sentences every day that I have access to the internet. Who knows who will take the time to read what I will publish here. But that does not really matter to me as this blog is more for myself than for anyone else.

I am a single, white gay male living in the great state of Utah. I was born and raised LDS in an Eastern state. After serving a two year mission for my church, I graduated from BYU with a degree in Business Management with an emphasis in Information Systems. And that's all I feel to share about myself at the moment. At least for tonight.

Tomorrow, I get to call and cancel the hotel reservation I had for this coming Easter weekend. I had planned to go pay Greg a visit and spend time with him--to get to know him better. We had such a good time together the first weekend I spent with him. But I won't be going now. He doesn't want me to make the trip. He's confused about how he feels about me. And he's afraid of having to say goodbye to me and how a relationship would work due to the distance involved. He's afraid he'll fall in love with me. I'm disappointed, because I like Greg a lot, but, I get it. I want to stay open to the possibility of spending time together as friends, but he is not as open to that possibility. Oh well.

For now, I'm giving up on Jack. He and I were supposed to see each other today, but, once again, he flaked. No call nor text. So, I'm letting him go. If he wants to see me again, he'll contact me and will make it happen.

I have a second date with BJ on Wednesday night. Our first date was fun and it will be good to get to know him better.

There was a report on Greta Van Sustren tonight that last year, 2010, federal agencies reported more than $125 Billion in wasted and improperly spent tax dollars. And people wonder why I so distrust government and am an advocate for smaller government. I think government is a necessary evil to be constrained and limited in what it does and can do at every turn.

I do believe government can grant legal status to the domestic partnerships of gays and lesbians. No need to call it marriage-just grant legal protections to LGBT couples.

Till next time, love and light--