Skyfall

Skyfall is the title of the newest James Bond flick. And in the movie, it is a place and a feeling and a legacy. Overall it's not a bad movie. I'll give it three out of four stars. The humor was a bit sparse and dry (or perhaps a wee bit too subtle is a better way to put it), but the action was pretty decent and fairly well distributed.

The story though was actually a bit too simple and rather pointless, given the outcome--well, unless keeping in mind the intended change in direction for the Bond franchise. Still, I expected a bit more sophistication in the plot for a Bond movie. It does have its moments and we get to know more about Bond the man, his past, and his relationship with M, played here by the wonderful actress Judi Dench.

The cure for loneliness is unconditional love. Love for myself and for all others--reaching out to others, being outward in my contribution. Seems simple and straightforward, and it is. But of course the ego mind--my ego mind--wants to think and believe otherwise.

Luck. randomness, concidence. The ego mind wants to make something out of it all--when in fact it is all completely meaningless until I give it meaning.

Insanity--expecting different results

If you believed that Obama would win re-election, you were right. Enough of America voted last night for more government and a shared misery born of less freedom and less prosperity. Congratulations to you.

The good news is that we each can still take a stand for learning, teaching and walking in the light of truth--which is the only pathway forward to realizing the greatest good.

Peace, love and light

Numbness

I voted early Tuesday morning. I'm so glad I did. But, I'm numb right now--stunned that Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney lost the 2012 presidential election by more than a million votes in the popular vote and quite handily and decisively in the electoral college. My hopes for a return to limited government, or at least, for less government--a lot less government--with lower taxes and more reasonable regulations, for a President who executes far better in so many areas and in so many ways, are dashed.

I have no idea what will happen now, but, I know a lot more trouble lies ahead. And I fear for my future and for the future of the country.

Seth [H] spent the evening hanging out with me watching the election returns. And I'm really glad he did.  I appreciate his friendship. More than he knows.

I went to see Andrew [R] today at his work place--cold stone creamery. He gave me my ice cream for free which was very nice of him. Since it wasn't very busy, we were able to talk for a bit before I had to leave.

I have some really big issues and challenges ahead in my personal life I will get to face and deal with shortly. And I get to act soon instead of continuing to stay stuck where I am. I am not a victim. I believe I am a powerful creator. I get to consider all of my options and all possibilities, declare my intentions and start taking committed action on those intentions. I get to dig deep into my heart and spirit to find the motivation and the will to do it.

Getting the balance right between stated intentions and the actions required by those intentions, while using my ego mind and not letting it get in the way will take some serious focus and committed effort.

Peace, love, and light . . .

One month later...

I've decided that though I'm not a little monster, I do particularly like Lady Gaga's track, Edge of Glory. There's an anthem feel to it that appeals to me, and being on the edge of glory is about expectation and creating an exciting, brilliant future.

I feel a bit betrayed by Greg (FI). But when it comes to matters of the heart, the heart will go where it wants to go. He blind sided me with an interest he now appears to have in someone else. And where he told me 'no' to traveling to see him over a weekend, he let this other guy go visit him. It kinda hurts and I'm not sure of where I stand with Greg. I like him a lot and I at least want to remain friends with him. But I'll stay open to possibility and just deal with the hurt for now. Good communication and how I show up in the relationship matters too, of course.

I'm missing Jeff.  He's been gone back home for the summer for almost three weeks now. But, since he is 22 years young and has issues with himself that he is still dealing with, and since he is still in school and is still unsure of his direction in life, our relationship is destined, I believe, to be headed more toward an intermediate level friendship than anything else. I will create love and light and friendship as much as I can towards Jeff. And the rest will be up to him. But the bigger question is, if he offered it, would I be open and willing to go the distance in making the relationship more than friendship?

Have you ever had a decision to make and a course of action to take that your heart tells you will be for the best and yet your brain, your wonderful, powerful mind--whether conscious or sub-conscious--keeps hitting you with negative talk about your ability to take that course of action? I'm facing that situation right now as I am on the precipice of moving forward with selling Mortgage Protection and End of Life Insurance part time.

I've never done anything like this before and although I have no doubt I am capable of pulling it off, still, my mind keeps hitting me with self doubt. I will definitely get to use my Impact Training tools to be able to move forward and execute.

One thing I get to do is to continue listening to my heart and stay open to possibility and to be open to the assistance of God and the Universe. And when my mind injects negative self talk into my consciousness, I get to say to my mind, 'Thank you for your contribution, now sit down and shut up!'  :-)

I saw a lightning display from a summer thunderstorm on the east side of Utah County around Mt Timpanogas that was probably the most intense and spectacular lightning display I have seen since I left Florida! And I must say Mother Nature's fireworks are much more brilliant and spectacular than anything humanity has yet to achieve.

I get to remember to pace myself and not let too much of other guys' shit and drama get to me or drag me down or drain too much energy from me.  I get to surround myself with positive, upbeat, emotionally stable people and do what I can when I can to assist others without being taken advantage of or pushing my limits.

Until next time, peace, love and light...

Intimacy

Intimacy is a word that has been on my mind quite a bit this weekend. So has sex. This is Pride weekend in Utah and I got to see a lot of friends both old and new--as well as a lot of acquaintances. 

I spent Saturday night with a guy in my bed with whom I never imagined I would have had the chance to do that with.  He is a masculine, smart, good looking and hella sexy guy. His name is Dave. He and I didn't have sex, but, we did cuddle. And that's all that mattered. It was wonderful to just talk with him and to get to know him better, to sleep next to him, and just to cuddle. I loved it. It was my privilege. I was honored when he told me he felt safe with me. And it made me miss having someone in my life to share my life with. I realized I am missing intimacy.

Sex is good and great and wonderful and I LOVE having sex with guys, but, what I LOVE even more is intimacy with a guy. Intimacy is the cake and sex is the icing on top. The icing is very sweet and tastes really good, but, without the cake to go with it, it ultimately is not very filling.

I missed Jeff this weekend. I want both sex and intimacy with him. Or with someone like him. I want to continue to get to know him better. There is so much I like about him. Jeff is smart and masculine and athletic, good looking and sexy, sweet and kind--and passionate.

He's just not in a space for a long-term relationship, but, that's ok. I will be grateful for whatever time he grants me. It will be my privilege to love him unconditionally. I'm learning more and more just exactly what that means--to love unconditionally in all its forms and manifestations--with no obligations or expectations or strings attached. Unconditional love, among other things, is completely unselfish.

I'm at a point where I'm backing away from my emotional investment in Jack. It's better for my own sanity that I do so. It's been a week ago that the text messages came to me late at around 1:00 AM from Jack telling me he was going to end it. Despite my best efforts to call and text him, he did try to end it. Jumped off of an ATV in the middle of the night going about 40 miles per hour. If his roommate Aaron had not found him lying in a ditch along the side of the road, Jack's suicide effort would have succeeded. 

After two days of worry and being sick to my stomach not knowing what had happened, Jack finally called me. Words cannot express the relief I felt at his phone call. I'm glad he's still alive. He survived with a wound to his head, a broken thumb, a bruised rib, and being a bit banged up. Jack moved yet again from Price to Park City on Sunday to live for the moment with someone named Adrian.

Jack's attitude toward me has changed now though. And I'm tired of the way he is treating me. It's not working for me anymore. So, I'll continue to say hi to Jack via text and I will respond to him if he decides to text me, but, I'm done putting too much more into my relationship with him until he decides to show up in a different, more loving way in his relationship with me.

Well, that's all for now. I deserve to get some sleep.

Until next time--peace, love and light...

Heart and mind

Yeah, so, ok, this is no longer a daily blog. Deal with it.

The human heart is a wonderful gift full of beauty, mischief and unpredictability. It's an uncontrollable, even potentially dangerous entity. It feels what it wants when it wants. If my heart is truly open, then I am capable of experiencing the highest of highs and moments of pure joy, and the lowest of lows—of loneliness, sadness, jealousy, despair, etc. All in the same day.

The human brain--now there is a powerful machine. Capable of unlimited imagination and creativity, or of wanton destruction.

Life is about learning how to shepherd the heart and discipline the mind.

Oh, I have to say Happy Osama bin Gotten!!!!

No, I don't view getting bin Laden as revenge, nor about hatred, nor about cowboy justice. It's about a war—yet another, and in this case gargantuan, clash between good and evil. When you boil it all down, I fervently believe that in this case, the cliché rings true.

My house came within a day of going on the auction block. At the last minute, I did what I had to do and was fortunate enough to have the resources to pull it off.

I've let Jack pretty much go, although it's always possible that Jack will decide to hang out with me again.  And I will let him.  In the meantime, I'm not going to turn blue worrying about it.

And now there is Jeff. Well, there's not really Jeff. But I like him. And besides, Jeff is young. Too young. And he hates himself. He has a lot to learn—a lot of maturing to do. And so does Trevor. But Trevor is only a friend and nothing more. But I'll be damned if my heart is not opening itself up in this strange, scary way to Jeff. I dunno. I get to be very careful here.

Sometimes I think I deserve to put a shingle out on my doorstep and start charging a fee for all the consulting / listening hours I'm putting in lately—dealing with everyone else's shit. I'm too good a listener with too big a heart perhaps.

Sadness.

Remember my mentioning my friend Jack?  The recent hero who saved the 19 month old baby from a burning house?  Well, Jack’s roommate and good friend James just commited suicide.

He died this morning.

What do you say to that? Jack reached out to me but I found myself wanting for words. No number of trite words or phrases can assuage the grief or lessen the loss.  I told Jack that I am sending him my love, my light, my thoughts and my prayers—and I let him know that he is not alone and that he need only let me know and I will be there for him in any way I can.  That's what I can do.

It’s strange. I did not know James, but, as I sit here listening to some comforting music, I find tears streaming down my face. Not just for James, but for Jack. He has suffered so much in his life and this is just one more blow. One more challenge.

I pray that Jack will find some measure of peace and comfort, that something inspiring and empowering will come of this. There is so much pain and suffering in this world.

I send my love and light out to God and to the Universe tonight in the hope that just a little bit may fall back upon Jack and anyone elso who can use it.

till next time, peace, love and light...